November 16th 2009

Well, cant ask for every day to be good I guess. Woke up in the most depressed mood I have been in a very long time. Not quite sure the reason, just know I feel alone,,,,very alone!!!!!

November 15th 2009

Wow, been awhile since I have posted anything!!  Life gets in the way I suppose. Alot has gone on since my last subission. Been a very stressfull Noveber,,, with Thanksgiving, 2 birthdays, anniversary of wifes passing  and then just the normal daily chaos! Been really fighting off the depression,,,,quite well if I had to judge. Alot due to a couple online friends who have not only been a great support, bue true to the word "Friends". Had the pleasure of meeting one this weeked and I have to say, I have not felt alive like that since as far back as my feeble brain will let me go. Regardless, She was completely a "lady" in every sense of the word and I can only pray we become lifelng rienfds!!!  (Not to mention that fact that she was absolutley Gorgous!!!!)

Well, Thats it for now. God Bless!!!!!

October 5th, 2009

I Have not posted in about a week, been super busy and when I did have a little time, mind was totally blank! Been an emotional roller coaster the last week, thankfully the kids activities kept me almost busy enough to over-ride the mind breakdowns. Seems its not getting any easier dealing with Wifes passing as time goes on, it almost seems the memories are more intense. The colder mornings are bringing back a whole different set of memories. Its been almost 11 months now and not looking forward to the anniversary, it really sucks that her passing is a month after our Wedding anniversary and ten days after my birthday, and the week of thanksgiving! Cant really see myself ever looking forward to the end of the year again. I think the hardest emotional part of my life is accepting that I will be alone from this point on. The odds are stacked against me big time!! To even think I am ever going to find someone even near what Carey gave me is next to impossible. I have accepted that my life will be consumed rasing these 8 kids to adults and further, which is something I will hold my head high for!!! Just not looking forward to the many years alone with no partner!! Well, going to see grief counselor again today, we will see how that goes  :)

September 28, 2009

Lets see, heres a quick rundown of Monday morning:
3 kids-3 doctor appointments-12 shots total
1 kid sick in bed
1 kid told to stay home as most of school is sick
1 kid suspended 3 days
1 1/2 loads of laundry
Spagetti put together and in crockpot cooking
Kitchen cleaned

12:30 pm
Might take a nap!!!!

September 27, 2009

Its Sunday night, what A busy fast weekend. My parents came down from Denver Saturday and we went to the little girls first soccer games. The girls played hard and had a blast and I spent $180 on new hoodies and hats from a parent profiting from begging kids and weak parents who probably is turning 80% profit!! That does not include the snack bar money. We left the after the games and headed to town for the annual chili festival. I was looking forward to trying a bunch of different kinds of Chili as were the rest of us (Adults). The city has a great planning party and placed the kiddie rides right inside the main entrance. ($40)  By the time we made it about 500 feet up the main boardwalk, we were all so hungry that we stopped at one of the diners and ate there ($95) The walk was pretty long so I got the kids all freshed squeezed lemonade from one of the street vendors and they were well worth the money ($46)  By that time we were all ready to head home so we headed back toward the entrance, where the kiddie rides are ($35) By the time we got loaded in the car and got back on the highway headed home, I had realized I did not have any chili at the annual chili festival. Although it will be a memorable time, not sure if I am looking forward to chili anymore  :) 
Saturday night the kids and I all sat around the fire until about midnight listening to music. I think that is one of our best bonding times, the kids love to roast marshmallows and it always feels Carey is close!!!  Sunday morning I made breakfast for everyone, including my parents. Its hard to believe we can go through 36 eggs in one sitting  lol   It was all in all a very nice weekend with my parents and the kids. Didnt have a whole lot of time to dwell on anything and my mood was all in all pretty good!!

September, 24 2009

Wow, what a long day!!  Started normal as normal can be here, got the kids all off to school ok with minimal kaos. Had an appointment with a grief counselor at 10:30. It was nice to be able to just talk with her about everything. I didnt break down as I was afraid of, it was different then I guess I expected. What I was expecting was mme breaking down and crying like a baby, what transpired in way inspired me and scared me a little. She was asking questions, and kind of getting my history back to first marriage and up until now. Well somewhere in the middle, she started really trying to hold back her tears but was not too successfull.  She stated several times how my situation was different then most. I guess I was inspired in a way, kind of hard to describe but I guess that if my situation brought tears to a grief counselor, maybe I'm not doing to bad holding everything together. Not quite sure if that made sense?  I guess all in all, I left there feeling pretty good. Going to be up for awhile tonight, got to pick up 2 of my kids from school after the Rockies game. They were guessing about 1:00 am they would be at the school. I should be able to get 3-4 loads of laundry done waiting  :)  Mood for day---good, better then normal!!!

1:47 am
Got the kids picked up from the school finally and got them to bed. They had alot of fun and were exausted. There;s something strange, or shall I say mysterious about driving late at night. Almost shall I say comforting., then that doesnt even sound right. Lets just say I feel really close to Carey at night. I know thats part of my sleeping problem, not quite sure what it is. The best I can conclude is that the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and the peacefullness of living in the country somehow makes me feel close to her. No sound but the still of night and the occasional cricket, just the overwhelming peace is what Carey was all about. I really do love the night. The kids are all looking forward to going to Carey's parents for Thanksgiving, as am I! Always an emotional time with her and Carey's sister, we tend to shed alot of tears and reminence. I also have dear memories with Carey there and about the town. We shared so much in so little time, and had so many more memories to create. How can one not be angry? How can one understand, especially with the task I was left to perform alone? Is that not faith, knowing the Lord will see me through and answer my questions in time? It sure makes me look forward to the day he calls my name!! Well, time for bed.

September 23, 2009

Wow, I finally slept hard last night and actually got 5 hrs of sleep!!!!!   Woke up a little early and got a head start on the morning dash to the school bus. Did it help?  NO!!  The bus still had to wait for the kids  lol  Looking forward to finding out about the grief counseling today, I think! Not sure how much I'm looking forward to what I know is going to be hard, as far as shedding tears go. Just looking forward to talking with someone!! Well, time to start cleaning, got a middle school volleyball game for daughter today so got to have dinner ready before school gets out.